RELATIONSHIPS - Intimacy
❦ “After Self-intimacy, intimacy with a mate is
the most nourishing part of life. A sign of that
intimacy is the sharing of similar need-patterns
& life-styles. This mutual satisfaction of needs
help each to accept commitment without a
sense of sacrifice or deprivation.”
❦ “When we’re interested in the growth of an
intimate other, the most effective way of
expressing this, as well as avoiding the
‘helpfulness’ toxic game, is to stand out of the
way & not impede the experimentation & self-
initiating process of the other person.”
❦ “Choosing to relate on an intimate level
means giving up the eternal ‘shoulds’ & other
manipulations intended to force ourselves &
others to act out of duty obligation. To the
degree that we demand that the other do his
duty or meet obligations, we eliminate
potential intimacy in the relationship.”
❦ “The process of developing & maintaining an
Intimacy Of Two is not easy but can be made
less difficult by not wasting time in using
gimmicks & playing toxic games.”
❦ “In discovering a nourishing lifestyle, there
are no should about how or with whom we
relate. Multiple relationships, two-person
pairing or lack of interest in intimate relating
of any kind - are a matter of personal need &
choice.
This doesn’t mean we can indulge in various
types of uninhibited gratification of our needs
indiscriminately, without paying a price.”
❦ “Human beings can only give their full
attention to one activity at a time, one
experience at a time, one person at a time.”
❦ “In an Intimacy of Two, the relationship may
not always be the center of one person’s focus,
but nourishing people are aware when their
actions or attention to their own needs may be
toxic to their mate & therefore harmful to the
relationship.”
❦ “Choosing a one-to-one intimacy means
accepting one’s own feelings of frustration &
resentment when we limit our freedom &
sexual availability to others.”
1. AWARENESS
See clearly the reality (& the symptoms) of
toxic patterns in our relationships. Wanting
to change can lead to new possibilities
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2.COMMUNICATION
To change we must initiate new behaviors. It
takes two - a speaker & a listener. Letting our
Intimate Other know our dissatisfaction & fears
is risky but necessary. Without this info the
other cannot know what’s wrong or what’s
needed.
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3.CONFRONTATION
Taking a definite (not hostile) stand against
continuing toxic patterns, with or without our
partner’s co-operation. These antidotes work
best when both people own their part & want
to work on change.
The stronger our own sense of identity & the
deeper our intimacy with ourselves, the greater
the potential for a growing, enduring intimate
connection with another.
Without self-trust (basic to the Intimate Self) ,
things we fear most (like abandonment) are
the very things we’re likely to create.
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❦ “Intimacy with one’s self is basic to all
intimate relating with others. Intimacy with
oneself grows from within. Only you can give
yourself this inner acceptance.”
❦ “Positive Intimacy with yourself (even with
things you don’t like) is the only relationship
you’ll have your life for sure.”
❦ “In self-intimacy, you discover the way of
self-esteem as you move thru life. You don’t
always have to grow or need more intimacy.
These are options, not musts.”
❦ “In an Intimacy of Two, you need to be able
to let them fully express their true self & enjoy
that. You can only do that when you first have
that experience with yourself.”
❦ “The effective use of the yes-no process is
basic to healthy interactions & a distinctive
feature of the intimate self.”
❦ “When you don’t say YES you lose your self-
initiating actions which you need to provide
yourself with emotional nourishment. When
you don’t say NO, you fail to protect yourself
against toxic intrusions by others.”
❦ “A clear signal that there’s a danger to your
healthy self is when you get a strong sense of
‘I won’t tolerate this’ or ‘This will be
devastating to me.’ ”
❦ “If you’re intimate with yourself, your
attitudes & actions show you’re taking care of
yourself, so you won’t burden anyone else
with that job.”
❦ “All of us can grow toward greater love &
more acceptance of ourselves, & can achieve
greater intimacy, regardless of our age.”
❦ “Growth & change emerge spontaneously &
freely in creative intimacy, without ‘shoulds’
or other demands upon ourselves.
You have a right to choose what to share with
a mate & what to keep private.”
❦ “Only you know whether you feel a true
connection of intimacy with another. No one
can say that for you. Only you know how much
you care for & are dependent on another for
emotional satisfaction & the sense of
specialness felt between the two of you.”
❦ “The stability & permanence of a couple is in
direct proportion to the feeling of personal
growth & mutual connectedness experienced by
each partner.”
❦ “We cannot satisfy some of our needs alone
& must depend on another person.”
❦ “An Intimacy of Two acknowledges the
priorities of being together. Their availability
to each other takes precedence over their
availability in other adult relationships.”
❦ “Self-trust is required to value the power that
nourishing interactions have in building a
solid foundation needed for a lasting bond.”
❦ “Gaining awareness of toxic patterns in our
intimate relating means being willing to face
the pain of disappointment or rejection when
we discover that the relationship is not what
we had hoped for”.
❦ “If we listen to our senses when we meet
someone, more often than not, we can know
within a few hours whether or not there is a
potential for real intimacy”.
Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists
