RELATIONSHIPS - Love
TYPES of LOVE depend on the love objects
1. Brotherly Love
“Love thy neighbor as thyself”. It is the most basic,
underlying all others: the sense of responsibility,
respect & care for other human beings, the wish to
further their lives, based on a lack of exclusiveness
(we are all one).
The experience of union with all others, our sameness
at our core, so center - relatedness. Therefore, love
between equals. Only in caring for those who do not
serve us, aren’t useful to us, can love begin to unfold.
2. Motherly Love
The unconditional affirmation of the child’s life &
their needs, in 2 aspects - the care & responsibility
essential to preserve their life & growth and an
attitude which instills in them a love of living, giving
them the feeling that it’s good to be alive & be on this
earth! Giving the child both ‘honey and milk’!
Love between non-equals, altruistic, unselfish, so
considered the most sacred of emotional bonds.
Different from erotic love: helping the child grow
means to want the child’s separation - the difficult task
of wanting nothing for herself, only the happiness of
the child - so letting go.
3. Erotic Love
Craving for complete fusion - with only one other
human being, exclusive, not universal (like a & b). The
most deceptive kind of love! - confused with ‘falling in
love’, the collapse of barriers between strangers. Once
the loved one is known no more closeness is sought.
Most people, knowing themselves & others only
superficially, experience separateness as mainly
physical, so sex means ‘closing the gap’. Also, venting
uninhibited rage / hate is often seen as intimacy. When
sex & rage have lost it’s fire, people look for new
partners to manufacture a new closeness, helped by the
deceptiveness of sexual desire.
4. Self-Love
Still considered ‘sinful’ to love oneself selfish. BUT
modern man’s narcissistic selfishness is actually his lack
of love for his true self: concern for himself as an
individual, with all his intellectual, emotional & sensual
potential.
Genuine love is an expression of productiveness via
care, respect, responsibility & knowledge - an active
striving for the growth & happiness of the loved one’.
The affirmation of one’s own life, happiness, growth
& freedom is rooted in ones capacity to love. One must
be able to actively apply these to oneself in order to
genuinely love another.
5. Love of God
The most mature form, having acquired the humility
of sensing his limitations, experiencing God as the
totality which man is striving for, the realm of the
spiritual world, of love, truth & justice.
To long for the attainment of the full capacity to
love, for the realization of that which God is.
-
1.By WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
“I can live for 2 months on a good compliment”
Mark Twain.
• This group needs words: compliments, thanks,
appreciation, encouragement, affection,
requests (not demands)
• By phone, text, letter, notes, email, but mainly
face to face
• Gather a list of kind, positive words & use them
often, to build up (not people-pleasing)
• FOCUS is on what’s being said.
2. By QUALITY TIME
• This group needs quality, undivided attention
- no distraction, doing things together and
being focused on.
• The activity is only a vehicle to create that
sense of togetherness - what happens on the
emotional level is what matters.
• It can be sympathetic dialogue - being drawn
out & listened to, sharing experiences,
thoughts, emotions & desires in a friendly,
uninterrupted context (NO advice).
• FOCUS is on what’s being heard.
3. By RECEIVING GIFTS
• This group needs to receive gifts - they’re
visual symbols of love, (like the wedding ring)
of being thought of. They’re important
because symbols have emotional value.
• The size & cost is not the important thing,
but the face you’re thought of. They can be
bought, made or found.
• The ‘careful’ spouse (tight) of this type can
consider that whatever money they spend is
an excellent investment - filling their mate’s
emotional love tank will pay big dividends -
blue chip stocks in a happy marriage
• Another form of gift giving is to there when
the mate really needs you, like at the death of
a parent, loss of job...
4. By ACT OF SERVICE
• This group needs actions done specifically that
suits them, as tangible expressions of being loved.
• They require thought, time, planning, effort &
energy - & if done in a positive spirit, are acts
of love.
• The actions done must be specifically what this
type actually want, otherwise it doesn’t count.
• It’s imperative that this spouse let the other
know exactly what fills their tank- no one is a
mind reader.
• When one spouse gives a criticism, the
‘receiver’ can ask “ What is important about
this for you?” to understand the need.
Eventually the criticism can be turned into a
request, that can possibly be met.
5. By PHYSICAL TOUCH
• This group needs to be touched, lovingly, a
powerful way to communicate love. This can
include some or all of the five senses. For
some it’s food, others sex, others caresses, etc
• To this type, some kinds of touch can be very
irritating & any form of hostile touch will be
devastating.
• Some kinds of positive touch can take
planning time & effort, others can be fleeting
but meaningful.
• The spouse of this type can be imaginative -
finding new ways & places can be an exciting
challenge.
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Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists
