HEAL & GROW for ACoAs

Adult-Children of alcoholics & other narcissists

HEAD GAMES

‘IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU’
One person (X) complains that another (Y) is
stopping them from doing or being something they
want (wife to husband, adult-child to parent....

(X) doesn’t have internal permission to meet their
own need or dreams, so they hold another person
responsible for their happiness. BUT because they
don’t have the right to provide for themselves, as
as adults, they stay attached to a job or person
who will insure that (X) always remains deprived

That way they can blame the other for for their lack
of freedom or options, AND never face their own
Toxic Rules & fear of risking something unknown

(Y) is usually cold, withholding, controlling & rigid.
They overtly or covertly discourage (X) from doing
anything new - anything that will take him/her away
from them. This ensures that (X) stays isolated &
‘small’ / childish & therefore dependent. This
accommodated (X)’s fear of dealing with the world
on their own.
The benefit to (Y) is to never feel alone, since they don’t believe anyone else will have them OR, maybe to have a ‘servant’ to take care of their needs

RESCUER (A) & RESCUEE (B)

(A) & (B) are adults who have a symbiotic
attachment - it doesn’t have to be close or of
long standing - in which (A) is the caretaker /
parent substitute, & (B) is the victim / child

Neither have genuine self-esteem - even tho’
the Rescuer may seem to because they’re ‘in
charge’ - nor a True Self. They play this
enmeshment game as a way to get strokes

(A) needs an overtly insecure, immature person
to take care of, to feel needed, important,
worthwhile.
The Rescue Role is an attempt to compensate for
self-hate & fear of abandonment which they’re   usually not aware of. It’s also a disguise for their
own need to be taken care of, which they missed
out on as kids (often from having the Hero Role).
• Rescuers hate feeling vulnerable, needy or
‘weak’.

(B) needs a decisive, competent, take-charge
person (usually controlling) to rescue them
from having to take care of themselves. They
believe they can’t do that, BUT they also don’t
want to - it’s not fair they should have to. After
all, they’ve been thru enough! It makes them feel
loved, protected & safe.
• Sometimes called Learned Helplessness.

In the end, both are left unsatisfied & frustrated,
resentful & stuck!

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PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE (P-A)

People who play the P=A game have a lot of accumulated anger & rage (from childhood & since then) -- which they’re NOT allowed to admit or feel (so they can be the ‘good boy or girl’)

They’ll always be able to find another person who is overtly volatile (V.) to play the P-A game with them (no fun being stuck with all that un-expressed rage alone!)

Some ways they’ll act:
• forget / delay doing what they said they would
• buy inappropriate gifts (or only the things they like)
• make promises they rarely keep, don’t say want they need
• ‘suffer in silence’, pretend everything is ‘fine’
• won’t make easy choices / decisions in relationships - much less hard ones
• never say when they’re upset or don’t
like something
• make sideways snide comments, while acting innocent ....

Then, when the V inevitably gets angry / rageful / nasty at the P-A, out of legitimate intense long-standing frustration!
• the P-A gets to make the V. the ‘bad one’
or crazy one, accuses the V. of being
abusive & unfair, of ‘reacting’ to nothing!
• while the P-A gets to keep the ‘good guy‘
status, feel victimized AND deny they did
or said anything wrong. After all, they are
easy-going, never raise their voice or let
out that ‘nasty’ anger. Right?!

BUT that’s the point - they don’t express
they needs / wants, then accuse the V. of
being controlling, even thought the V. was
set up to express the P-A’s anger for them!

In most relationships it’s rare that a
P-A is willing to change their pattern - it
makes them feel safe. So it’s up to the V.
to stop reaction / expecting things to be
different - maybe even have to leave.

For more info, see blog posts :
“Passive-Aggressive ACoAs”

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